Freedom, continued


I posted a quote about freedom yesterday, and then received this fortune today. Sometimes the Universe gives you a nod when you’re on the right track.


What She Craved

“Ask her what she craved and she’d get a little frantic about things like books, the woods, music. Plants and the seasons. Also freedom.”
-Charles Frazier

~Give me my space, my freedom; I’ll give you my loyalty, my heart~

Alone on Christmas Eve

I don’t have much to complain about, as I was the one who moved myself across the country. But, I now know being alone on Christmas Eve is not good for me. I value my family too much to do this for a third year in a row. I’m grateful for the friends I’ve made over here, and I’m learning to be content with my own company, but some days are harder than others. It’s been a wild ride these last two years and I’d love to be home right now. Home is most definitely not perfect but at least it’s familiar and comforting. I’m determined to make the best of this situation, I have empathy for those who are alone on holidays – whatever the reason – and I value my family that much more for being separated from them. Also the wonderful friends who have offered to take me in both this year and last. Lessons learned. I’m slowly growing comfortable with facing this world on my own. Alone vs. Lonely, there’s definitely a difference.

2014’s Voice

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.”
T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

What will 2014 hold for me? It will be a year of milestones- educational, professional. If I had to put a voice to the past few volatile years, it would go like this:

2011– a voice completely raw; from the tears and screams of a life completely falling apart. I think back on that year filled with such significant loss – so much- and am truly amazed I survived. 2 family members gone, an 8 year long relationship pulled out from under me. An international education opportunity ended before it could even begin. That year challenged me as no other has. Your life has seasons, and this year had a bitter wind blowing throughout.

2012– a voice that was buzzing; buzzing with opportunity, buzzing with uncertainty and the fear and thrill that brought. I uprooted and started over in a lonely city. I am learning to be kind to myself, and looking back on 2012, I am so proud of my courage in the face of such unknowns. I am so proud of my perseverance. Considering where I started, no year has seen such geographical, emotional, and social change as this year held. It also was fueled by substances that kept me buzzing. I was not a sober being, but I needed it to dull the pain of the year before. We all have our vices, and mine had a strong grip on me. It was a Spring in which I frolicked in this new lush garden I had discovered, but the romp was clouded with the hayfever of such excessive floral scents.

2013– a quiet, observant voice. This was a year of waiting. Of patience. Of taking time to reflect on “self.” I needed a year to get to know the new me. I was uncomfortable with the woman who had sprouted. I didn’t know her, yet there she was. I had to evaluate who I was investing my energy into, what my energy was being fueled by. It was a year of observing and assessing. I’ve just started to make decisions on how to move forward with the field notes I’ve gathered on myself. It was an Autumnal season in my life- filled with preparing and slowing down. Being observant of the weather of emotions coming in. Gauging how much I should put up for the coming Winter; taking stock of my supplies.

2014– I hope this is a year narrated by a voice that is clear and decisive. I need the power I know I have deep inside to come to the surface; no longer muted with hesitance or inebriation. This will be a sober year in which accomplishments are achieved. This will be a year of action. I have come to know my worth and will settle for nothing less. This will be my Summer – the sun shining brightly, fueling my productivity.

I now know…

I am not compatible with a man….

who is obsessed with weed, rock climbing, Burning Man or the Yankees. (I have no problem with these things in moderation…but obsession is another thing)

who is from New Jersey. (enough said)

who got his degree in philosophy or library science. (and I’m getting my degree in Library and Information Science)

I can’t wait to find out what else I don’t want in a man as my hapless dating/relationship adventures continue. It’s all a great experiment to see if you can identify the elements that will magically combine and create your mate.


A string of thoughts…

I came across these quotes recently, and it’s as if they formed a complete thought made just for me. I am always thankful for the wisdom of others.

“People have a hard time letting of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.”

~Thich Nhat Hanh

“Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.”

~The Little Prince

THIS QUOTE {is me}

“A serious girl, when she finds someone who calms her spirit and quiets her busy thoughts, will love you so fiercely, it will defy even her own logic and reasoning.”


A Better Shape

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” 

~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

I just realized after reading this quote, that I have never been a better Crystal than I am right now in this moment. I’ve recently felt like my life has halted in some respects, like the possibility of happiness is not within my grasp. But really, I’ve never been more prepared to receive happiness, to achieve, to face this world, than right now. All the experiences – especially the most recent revelations –  have given me strength and clarity, along with providing me a good deal of suffering. And who am I to think I will escape suffering in this life? This moment is completely new and full of possibility.